Hollowtop Smoke Signals

Some deliberations on senior dental maintenance

It seems we are living in a time of anti-aging. In an attempt to avoid the awful possibility that (heaven forbid) they might actually appear to be growing older, many people are resorting to drastic measures. I refer to such medical solutions as, eye bag removal, fat transfer injections, face lifts and liposuction. All the same, the most popular current anti-aging procedure involves whitening one’s teeth to a degree rivaling those of a great white shark.

To begin, folks with soiled smiles can have their tainted mouth blades professionally whitened by a dentist. However, internet research revealed that whitening doesn’t work on crowns or fillings. Also, it can start to fade in as little as one month. Hence, regular maintenance is required. Therefore, to suggest that professional whitening isn’t expensive would be akin to saying our current national debt is a trifling sum.

Fortunately, there are also numerous self-applied, home remedies available which are vastly more affordable than professional treatments. I refer to such store-bought, teeth-whitening products as toothpaste, strips and pens. Commendably, they are also easy for the average smile-challenged customer to use. Still, I am hesitant to try them and for good reason.

Certainly, I can understand why, for younger people, having a bright, youthful smile is important. But, for older guys like me, I question if that is such a good idea. Like my weathered hide, my teeth have naturally discolored somewhat. So, the question begs--“How would it look for a 71 year-old man to possess original-issue incisors that look like polished piano keys?” The answer is obvious--my face would look about as natural as an Egyptian mummy’s with dental implants.

While pondering said dilemma, a more age-appropriate solution popped into my fertile mind--“Why not advocate for tooth-care product manufacturers to develop a senior-specific pen that colors teeth gray?” In so doing, my aged burger biters would match the ever-increasing, like-colored hairs on my head. Even better, gray doesn’t show stains as readily as white. Thus, there would be less frequent need for color touchups. As I see it, that simple adaptation would provide my mega-mature mug with a more natural (not to mention distinguished) look.

Furthermore, I could encourage those same manufacturers to develop another pen to apply a coat of clear gloss over the gray base coat. Then, on those occasions when I and other senior men need to look our best, our comparatively drab, gray teeth could be transformed to luminous silver. That way, the smiles of us older guys would rival even the sparkling ivories of the younger set.

Additionally, fashion conscious codgers could color-coordinate their clothing to complement both their hair and their new enamel. Further internet research turned up some interesting matches. For instance, just as a brown tie goes best with yellow teeth, a navy blue tie harmonizes best with silver choppers. The blue tie, when combined with an orange shirt, an olive-green sport coat, black denim jeans and gray bedroom slippers, perfects the silver-fox ensemble.

When all is said and done, there’s one thing for certain: I’ll stop drinking my morning coffee when someone pries my cold, lifeless fingers from the mug—and not before. Nor am I likely to forsake gluten-free fudge brownies any time soon. So, until the above described age-appropriate, anti-aging tooth products hit the market, I reckon my chocolate chompers will have to be tolerably bright just as they are.

© Art Kehler

Art lives in Harrison, Montana. His essays, stories, and poetry have been published in newspapers, journals, literary magazines, and on-line magazines.